Keoma (1976)

It is so great the companies like Anchor Bay and Blue Underground are taking this time to bring so many great spaghetti westerns to DVD.  I would never have had the chance to enjoy this great sub-genre had it not been for the efforts of companies like these.  "Keoma" stars the awesome Franco Nero (looking like Kurt Russell in "The Thing") as the title character, a half-breed indian who returns home to find the town being run by a dink named Caldwell (Donald O'Brien).  Many of the townsfolk are quarantined in a valley as they have the plague and the people who are left in the town are ruled by fear that their loved ones will be hurt or killed if they do not obey Caldwell and his men.  Making matters worse, Keoma's three half-brothers are now Caldwell's top henchmen and Keoma is caught trying to restore order to the town against his own family.  A number of fantastic gunfights dominate this movie as well as beautiful cinematography, mucho violence, an amazing opera/rock/country score/narration that only the Italians can pull off, lots of slo-mo, and lots of symbolism including an ending with a very disturbing mix of sounds.  Director Enzo Castellari ("1990: The Bronx Warriors") has created a masterpiece of the genre that is right up there with "Django" and "The Great Silence".  Co-stars include Woody Strode from "Spartacus" and Olga Karlatos from Lucio Fulci's "Zombie" (remember the eyeball gag?) and "Purple Rain" (as Prince's mom).

Bleed (2002)

Debbie Rochon is probably my favorite b-movie actress working today.  She is always good even when she is playing a comic relief role in a Seduction Cinema lesbian romp.  Rochon is great in this story about a lonely, slightly odd, girl named Maddy who is beginning a new job which quickly leads to a new romance with her boss Shawn (Danny Wolske).  While attending a party with Shawn and all of his hot friends, she is told about a murder club that Shawn and his yuppie pals have started.  This club has three levels: shoplifiting, armed robbery, and murder which all of them have supposedly worked through.  The next day Maddy quickly jumps to level three and bashes a woman's brains out against a concrete pillar in a parking garage.  Proud of herself and desperate to fit in, she calls Shawn over and shares her achievement with him.  When it is revealed that the murder club was actually bullshit drunk talk it puts Maddy into an awkward position.  Things get even more interesting when the other members of the 'club' begin to turn up dead.  I really liked this movie due to the fact that I was actually looking forward to what was going to happen and I could not predict the outcome.  The movie twisted and turned enough to keep me entertained and Rochon carried a complex character without going too over the top.  There were some decent gore effects, an upbeat opening credits sequence, and cameos from Julie Strain, Lizzy Strain, Brinke Stevens, and Troma chief Lloyd Kaufman.  My only complaint was the lame low-budget Michael Myers mask for the killer.  Then again, if I was going to go on a killing spree, it may be kind of fun to do it as the Shape.

Preacherman (1971)

The good folks at Troma bring us this early 70's flick about a corrupt preacher and how he manipulates young farmers' daughters into bed and the farmers into giving up their cash and moonshine.  I quite enjoyed this flick mainly due the the breasts of future soap star Ilene Kristen and to the sleazy yet likable performance of director Albert T. Viola as the preacher Amos Huxley.  The film opens with Huxley being spotted finishing up with the sheriff's daughter Bertha by the sheriff's deputy Leon.  Huxley is ran out of the county and beaten only to be discovered by a redneck named Jud who decides to take Huxley in.  Meanwhile, Jud's daughter Mary Lou has a bath and starts to have a sex marathon with the local boys.  Dad comes home early and drives the boys away and it doesn't take Huxley long to convince Mary Lou to get naked in her bed and wait for an angel named Leroy to give her a religious experience every night.  He even goes so far to convince Jud to wave a light on the roof and chant the name Leroy while his daughter is being banged in the room below.  Eventually it is revealed that one of the local boys wants more than just sex from Mary Lou and is determined to get her away from Huxley and his deviant ways.  This movie was much more enjoyable than I was expecting and played out like a Harry Novak 'country bumpkin' movie with a little less sex and a little more plot.  It also doesn't hurt that whenever W. Henry Smith as Brother Henry appears on screen, he feels like-a-singin' and we even have a creepy chicken lover named Farley who could possibly be the father of Crackers, another well known chicken lover.

Galaxy Of The Dinosaurs (1992)

Although this film was made in the early 90's, it has been repackaged and re-released as part as Tempe Video's new 'Bad Movie Police' line.  Ariauna Albright ("Witchouse") and Lilith Stabs ("Cremains") look hot in uniform as they introduce the film and point out it's flaws thus making it nearly impossible to write a bad review as it is already acknowledged to the world that the movie and everything about it is bad before the movie even starts.  What strikes me as funny with all this is that although "Galaxy Of The Dinosaurs" is below no-budget, I was actually more entertained watching this than a lot of other bigger budget movies that I have seen in recent months.  Even though the acting was horrendous and the comic relief guy was annoying, I can't say I was bored.  The lead girl reminded me of a WWE actress with a weird wool braid and bad pants, the scientist guy reminded me of the Lone Gunman member from the "X-Files" with the glasses, there is a drug trip scene that really is awful, and there is a caveman named Ug.  Don't get me wrong, this movie was really bad but the fact is that it knows it and works with this.  I will even go so far to say that I thought it was kind of clever to take footage from "Planet Of Dinosaurs" and intercut it with no budget video footage.  I wish I had thought of this but J.R. Bookwalter beat me to the punch.  I'm always up for a cheesy bad movie, it is when they are bad and boring that you are in trouble.   This one wasn't.  

Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)

It mystifies me how somebody could actually like this crap.  This is a typical, lame, new school horror movie that sucks on all levels.  Not only do we follow the same tired formula that most of the newer horror movies follow but we also manage to completely abandon the formulas of two of the slasher movie genres favorite icons.  I would have been forgiving if this felt like a "Friday The 13th" movie or a "Nightmare On Elm Street" movie but any atmosphere that we have come to expect from these movies was non-existent in FvJ.  The complicated plot begins with a bit about the origin of Freddy and quickly moves to his house on Elm Street where some kids are getting drunk.  These kids include the star of the movie Monica Keena who for some reason seems to have used Anna Faris' portrayal of Cindy Campbell as her model on how to be a slasher movie heroine.  Believe me, I have nothing against Ms. Faris and thought she was great in the "Scary Movie" series but the problem here is that FvJ is not supposed to be a full on comedy.  Keena's breathy remarks and excitable voice were constantly reminding me of Faris and constantly made the film seem like a parody to me as opposed to the suspenseful and frightening experiences that made the franchises popular in the first place.  We also have a stoner guy who is a lift of the Jay character from the Kevin Smith movies, a token fat guy at a party, a token popular musician (Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child) as a supporting character, an actress playing Jason's mom whose name is not Betsy Palmer, and a convoluted script with way too many convenient resolutions to any problems that the characters come up against.  On the effects front, it continues to amaze me that CG effects are being used in slasher movies.  Not only does it look like shit, it probably costs a hell of a lot more than practical effects (and what was the point of the stupid caterpillar creature with the water bong).  In addition to all of this, the battle scenes between Freddy and Jason are predictable and boring  Overall this was a monumental waste of a good idea and after all the years that this movie was trapped in development hell, it is evident that it should have stayed there.

Joysticks (1983)

The opening credits sequence of this one was great and brought me right back to my pre-teen years.  The screen of the Pole Position game is the first shot of the movie and thus begins the opening credits which intercuts between classic games like Pac-Man, Defender, Galaga, and Centipede, and a hot blonde with feathered hair, tight shorts, and a deer-in-headlights look trying to play said games.  This is quickly followed by some boobs and thus begins our tale of an arcade owner named Jefferson Bailey (Scott McGinnis), his token nerd employee (Leif Green from "Grease 2"), and his token fat guy-with-loud-shirt friend who likes to eat and fart (Jim Greenleaf who was the token fat guy in a bunch of 80's movies).  When a local asshole decides that the arcade is a cesspool of sin that he does not feel is fit for his valley girl daughter, Jefferson and his crew must spend the rest of the movie trying to save the arcade from being closed down by the loudmouth fanatic.  Fittingly, the asshole is played by Joe Don Baker who seems to have brought his Buford Pusser character into the 80's.  I was half expecting him to whip out a big stick and start smashing the machines.  This was a typical 80's comedy that was entertaining and had a number of odd comedy moments including Baker's wife who is attracted to men who fart, a courtroom scene complete with humorous good and evil looks at the arcade, a wiener in the cleavage gag,  some dumb henchmen (one of whom was character actor John Diehl), and a pseudo punk named King Vidiot and his stable of hot punk chicks.  The finale involved Super Pac-Man.  Light fun from the good old days, this one will bring you back.  Playmate Kym Malin who played one of the girls who seduced Eugene near the beginning was also in a few Andy Sidaris movies.  Director Greydon Clark also did "Satan's Cheerleaders" and "Lambada: The Forbidden Dance". 

Fear No Evil (1981)

I had a hard time with this one.  One the one hand, it had some great performances, some nifty ideas, and a cool soundtrack.  On the other hand, I thought the story was somewhat confusing and the visual effects were primitive to say the least.  Stefan Arngrim ("Class Of 1984") stars as Andrew Williams, a quiet and withdrawn high school student who happens to be the devil.  Andrew's father is aware of this problem as is a local woman named Margaret who happens to be the archangel Michael in human form.  There is also a high school girl named Hulie involved in all of this who happens to be the archangel Gabriel in human form.  A third archangel named Raphael is also involved.  All of this spiritual business was a little lost on me because I am not a huge follower of religion and I did not understand much of this business other than the fact that the three archangels are out to destroy the devil.  In reading the first half of this review, I feel as though I sound a little clueless.  I guess that is what my problem is with this movie.  Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention or maybe the story was just over my head but I was just looking for an entertaining early 80's horror picture, not a confusing muddle of religious symbolism.  On the level that I was expecting there were some fun moments including a dodge ball scene gone wrong, a creepy baptism, a play that began like a G-rated "Passion Of The Christ", and some zombies.  There were also some weird moments such as a homoerotic shower scene and a guy growing breasts.  Overall, I can't say I hated this movie but it was just a little too ambitious for the teen-based occult movie that I was expecting.  The soundtrack was great though and the songs  "Anarchy In The U.K.", "I Don't Like Mondays", and "Psycho Killer" were all placed quite well in the context of the film.

The Streets of L.A. (1979)

Boy, did I get suckered on this one.  The misleading box had me believe that I was getting a revenge movie starring Joanne Woodward out for justice against a street gang.  What I got was a boring drama with Joanne Woodward and a Mexican named Ramon (Fernando Allende) learning from each other and both becoming better people over the duration of 90 minutes.  To top this off, it was a TV movie so there wasn't even a boob or a swear word to make things more interesting.  Woodward (in a post-"Sybil" career slump) stars as Carol Schramm, possibly the stupidest woman ever committed to film.  You see, Carol was trying to bang her boss and after being let down there, decides to go home.  While walking to her car, she sees some guys slash her tires and take off.  A few days later, Carol goes to the police station to talk to the boys.  When she discovers that they have been let go, she convinces the desk sergeant to give her their names and addresses.  Next, she drives around East L.A. and tracks down the hooligans to let them know that they each owe her $113 for the tires they slashed.  When she gets to Ramon, he does not want to pay.  Even after she discovers that Ramon's family are operating a necessary sweatshop out of their house and Ramon sprays her with a garden hose, she persists to stalk him and her quest for the cash becomes an obsession.  The most threatening thing in this movie was the character's psychotic determination to get paid no matter what the cost.  She was kind of like the paper boy in "Better Off Dead" who wants his five dollars (maybe he was her love child).  Anyways, the only positive thing about this movie was Fernando Allende's performance as Ramon who seems to be constantly struggling with doing the right thing and being a macho jerk.  This was based on a true story.  Cinematographer Allen Daviau went on to shoot "E.T." and "The Color Purple" among others.  Ramon's best friend was played by Tony Plana who was also in "An Officer And A Gentleman" and the Lance Henriksen segment of "Nightmares".  You can see poet/playwright Miguel Pinero in a small role.

Mr. Majestyk (1974)

If anyone is going to turn a melon farmer into Billy Jack, it's Charles Bronson.  "Mr. Majestyk" is the tale of Vince Majestyk, a small town farmer who is thrown in jail after laying the smackdown on a yokel who is harassing him and his workers.  After further harassment by the local law officials, Majestyk finds himself prison bound on a bus with a hitman named Frank Renda (Al Lettieri from "The Godfather").  A violent escape attempt is planned by Renda's men but Majestyk gets the last laugh by kidnapping Renda and attempting to use him as a bargaining tool with the local police to drop the charges.  Things don't go quite as planned but Majestyk is able to return to his farm and Renda ends up in Mexico.  As Renda is not a very reasonable man, he decides he wants to go back to farm country and kill Majestyk for making a fool out of him.  After a senseless melon slaughter, it is a fight to the finish between Renda and Majestyk in the back country of the good ol' U.S. of A.  While this type of one man versus the gangsters plot has been repeated over and over throughout the years, this was an early entry into the genre and is a step above the rest thanks to a charismatic performance from the always cool Bronson and a clever script from legendary novelist Elmore Leonard.  The prison break scene was very well staged and reminded me a lot of an old film noir shootout with a lot more blood and explosions.  Paul Koslo who played the sleazy Bobby Kopas was also in "The Omega Man".  Director Richard Fleischer also did "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea" and "Soylent Green".

The Toolbox Murders (1978)

Flashbacks are not my friend.  When I was watching the opening credits of this flick, all was good as we are driving around what looked like late 70's Los Angeles.  I started getting nervous when a freeze frame occurred and some cuts between present and a past car accident began happening.  I was getting ready to turn this flick off but something in my head told me not to.  Soon, I was rewarded with a scene where the killer brings his toolbox into an apartment building and proceeds to drill a drunk woman to death while a nice country song is playing.  I was starting to feel better but the effects weren't exactly top of the line.  Nevertheless, I continued to watch as the film had a sleazy tone to it.  Next, we have an attractive braless beauty (Marciee Drake) who proceeds to get her head smashed in with a hammer (after she takes her top off of course).  This is quickly followed with her friend getting screwdrivered to death while some disco music is playing.  This is all in the first fifteen minutes and I am liking this movie quite a bit by now.  Finally, a plot begins as Laurie, a teenage girl (former child actress Pamelyn Ferdin), is kidnapped from her apartment which is in the same complex where all of the murders have been happening.  Her brother Joey (Nicolas Beauvy) gets worried and with the help of his friend Kent (Wesley Eure from "Land Of The Lost") they begin an investigation of their own.  I used to work in a video store that had a large adult selection and customer base and I have to say that Cameron Mitchell's character in this film reminded me a lot of many of my former customers.  The thing is that I can see them singing songs and sucking on lollipops with blow-up dolls rather than real humans.  Maybe that is what leads to kidnapping though and delusions that total strangers are your dead daughter.  I also have to mention the standout scene featuring Marianne Walter (aka. porn star Kelly Nichols) who masturbates in the bath, runs around naked for a few minutes and is then nailgunned to death.  This was worth the price of the DVD on it's own.  Look for Aneta Corsault (the female lead from the original "Blob") as Joey and Laurie's mom.  

Breakin' (1984)

So I kind of liked this movie.  I can't explain why other than the fact that it was full of 80's nostalgia and cheese.  Lucinda Dickey ("Cheerleader Camp") stars as Kelly, a jazz dancer who is unhappy with her waitressing job and her dickhead dance instructor.  One day when hanging out with her gay friend, she is introduced to some street dancers on Venice beach named Turbo and Ozone.  Excited by her new friends and the way they dance, Kelly becomes interested and begins to rehearse with them.  Soon our trio have a manager (Christopher McDonald from "Happy Gilmore") and have a goal in sight as they are going to audition for a big musical that is coming to town.  They face adversity in the form of rival dancers, Kelly's old sexually confused instructor, and snooty white collars who do not want to associate with street dancers.  I found the storyline to be quite similar to "Flashdance" with the underdogs facing challenges on their way to the top.  When you get to the end, you will really begin to see the similarities although in my opinion Turbo's broom dance alone outshines most of the dancing in "Flashdance".  All in all, an enjoyable slice of 80's style that will bring a smile to those who enjoy this sort of thing.  Look for rapper Ice-T in an appearance that preceded his debut album by a few years.  Also look for Teresa Kelly (daughter of Billy Jack) as Kelly's blonde friend at the beginning of the film and if you look close in the first dance sequence on Venice beach, you can spot Jean-Claude Van Damme as one of the crowd.  

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