Thriller: A Cruel Picture (1974)

With a reputation of being one of the definitive rape revenge pictures that also has a distinction of crossing over into porn, I knew what to expect but I had no idea that this movie would be so amazing.  Instead of the smut that I thought was going to grace my screen, I got a thoughtful and interesting study of an innocent woman's descent into drugs and debauchery and her decision to get herself out of it and murder those who degraded her.  The incredible Christina Lindberg stars as Frigga, a woman who has become mute thanks to some sick old man who molested her when she was a child.  She is now a young woman and things get ugly when she accepts a ride from a stranger who proceeds to hook her on heroin and pimp her out.  In addition to being forced to have sex with strange men and women, Frigga must also maintain her heroin habit and deal with the fact that her parents think that she deserted them.  As her circumstance becomes more and more depressing, Frigga feels like she has had enough and spends her off time learning how to shoot various guns, drive a car, and defend herself using martial arts.  She eventually goes over her top and puts her new skills to use on the people who ruined her life.  Lindberg is stunningly beautiful, looks great in an eye patch, carries the movie without uttering a single line, and looks ultra cool holding a sawed off shotgun.  I am surprised that her career did not do more but I guess doing a low budget exploitation movie in 70's Sweden isn't going to do a hell of a lot for your career.  Thanks to the magic of DVD and Quentin Tarantino, she is finally getting some recognition (Tarantino was obviously inspired by Lindberg when writing the Elle Driver character in Kill Bill).  Part thriller, part spaghetti western, part depressing drug movie, part character study, and with a smattering of hardcore porn, Thriller is one of the coolest movies to come out of Europe.  I can't wait to watch this movie again.  Note that there really are full penetration shots in the uncut version and also note that they are not really Christina Lindberg.  It is also reputed that the infamous eye-cutting scene was filmed using a real corpse.  

Velvet Smooth (1976)

Although I dig almost every blaxploitation flick I have seen, I can't say that they are all good movies.  This is a good example of a blaxploitation movie that has all the elements but lacks a decent cast and crew.  If you are going to name a movie after the lead character, you better make sure that the character is interesting enough to carry the movie.  Pam could do it with Foxy Brown, Ron could do it with Superfly, and Tamara could do it with Cleopatra Jones, but Johnnie Hill as Velvet Smooth is missing the vibe that made all of the classic characters of the genre so great.  Add to the mix an obvious low budget, boring fights, and stock bad guys and you have a bit of a mess on your hands.  Had it not been for Owen Wat-son as the good guy gangster King, this would have been a big bore.  The film starts with some of King's rivals wearing masks and beating people on the streets including an old man dry cleaner, a shoe shiner, and a candy man.  King gets wind of this and hires Velvet Jones and her sidekicks Frankie and Rita to find out who the masked marauders are.  Most of the rest of the movie is spent with Velvet and/or her girls beating up the bad guys in a variety of locations.  The fights are fairly lame (with the rooftop fight between King and his rival as being the most interesting) but are a far cry from many of the other martial arts movies that came out during the 70's and 80's.  There are some funny moments including a police captain beating up a suspect immediately after berating a cop for creating bad public relations, some kung-fu moves from an old cop in the middle of the final fight, and a weird appearance by a bald guy who I swear was Telly Savalas.  I wouldn't recommend seeking this out but is it worth the $2 I spent on it at Wal-Mart if you are a fan of the genre.

The Food Of The Gods (1976)

Dorm Daze (2003)

The team of the Hillenbrand brothers first came to my attention with some low budget horror flicks entitled King Cobra and Pinata: Survival Island.  I have always been able to tell that these guys can tell an entertaining story but their films have been hindered by limitations in the special effects department.  I was curious to see how they would handle a college comedy that did not have the effects that have caused them problems in the past.  The result is a quick-paced comedy of errors involving the residents of a college dormitory, a bag full of cash, and a constant parade of instances of mistaken identity and misplaced objects.  The ensemble cast includes Boti Bliss (C.S.I. Miami), Marieh Delfino (Jeepers Creepers 2), James DeBello (Cabin Fever, Detroit Rock City), Patrick Renna and Tony Denman (Poor White Trash), Chris Owen (American Pie), and Randy Spelling (Tori's brother).  The Hillenbrand brothers and their cast do a great job of keeping a complicated plot interesting and setting a fast pace that remains throughout the film.  The result is like a feature length episode of Three's Company with a large number of characters and multiple story lines criss-crossing all over the place.  A script like this is very difficult to pull off as every plot line depends on other plot lines but this crew pulls it off and brings us a funny and entertaining movie experience.  I always felt like these guys would do well with a film like this and they have proven me right.   Hopefully they will stay away from silly CGI effects and focus more on plot and character driven stories as this is clearly what they excel in.  This was also a welcome relief from the usual college comedy thanks to the clever script from Patrick Casey and Worm Miller.  If you are going to rent this movie, keep in mind that this is a farce with more influence from the likes of The Three Stooges, Benny Hill, and Peter Sellers than from movies like Not Another Teen Movie and Old School.  Look for Playboy playmate Katie Lohmann as the girl in the fantasy sequence.  

Creepshow 2 (1987)

It's a tough job being a sequel.  When you are the sequel to a classic horror movie and you are plagued with production difficulties, you are in even for trouble.  Such is the case with Creepshow 2 which had little hope of comparing to the original in that George Romero was not directing and the budget was cut in half.  Add to that weather delays, changes in assistant directors, cinematographers, and effects artists and it is a wonder that this film even got completed.  These facts alone speak volumes on the patience of director Michael Gornick and the creativity of effects artists Howard Berger and Greg Nicotero (who would later for KNB Effects) as they managed to complete the film and in my opinion it ended up being ok.  Not a great movie like the first Creepshow but a decent horror movie under the circumstances.  The first story entitled "Old Chief Wood'nhead" was the weakest of the three with a wooden indian statue seeking revenge after storeowners George Kennedy and Dorothy L'Amour are slaughtered by some thugs.  While this one seemed to capture the spirit of the original film the best, I found the story to be kind of lame and found myself waiting for the next story to begin.  Let's just say that I was happy that I was watching an anthology and that this segment was not a feature film in itself.  Next up is "The Raft" which was the best of the three.  A group of four teenagers (including Daryl Hannah's redhead sister) decide to go for a swim at a local lake.  They go out to a floating raft in the middle of the lake and soon discover that a substance is floating in the water that is capable of devouring them.  I remember this one from when I was a teenager and watching these actors get covered in black slime is always a treat.  Look for Patricia Tallman, star of the 1990 Night Of The Living Dead remake as the stunt double for the Rachel character.  The third and final story is entitled "The Hitchhiker" and features former Bond girl Lois Chiles (Moonraker) as a cheating wife who hits a hitchhiker while rushing home to her husband after a night of illicit sex with a gigolo.  This hitchhiker won't stay dead and utter the film's memorable catchphrase "thanks for the ride lady" over and over again.  This segment was amusing but gets annoying quick.  Overall, Creepshow 2 does not stand up to it's predecessor with the exception of "The Raft" segment.  If you want to see short horror films, there are many more out there that are much more entertaining than this one.  It's too bad but I guess that's what happens when studios try to squeeze blood from a stone.  It's too bad Gornick didn't make more movies, I would love to see what he is capable of under better circumstances.  Look for effects legend Tom Savini as The Creep in the wraparound segments.

Scary Tales: The Return Of Mr. Longfellow (2003)

Director Michael Hoffman returns with a sequel to his 2001 anthology Scary Tales.  This time around he has enlisted co-director Jason Daly for one of the segments as well as a few familiar faces from the horror genre making appearances.  Joel D. Wynkoop reprises his role as Mr. Longfellow, a strange, hyper storyteller this time posing as a car dealer to introduce each story in the wraparound.  Wynkoop was used more effectively this time around as he was not confined behind a desk.  This resulted in him being much more animated and he stole the show even though he was only featured in the wraparound segments where he was trying to sell a prostitute killer a new car and each car led into one of the stories in the anthology.  I found this to be a strange way of introducing the stories as the cars did not play prominently in the stories but at least it was a different way of handling the essential yet usually silly vignettes.  The first story entitled "Charlie's Demons" centered around a shrink named Wesley King (George Randol) who has a group therapy session where the patients become a body count quite quickly.  While mildly entertaining, I found this one segment that Jason Daly directed to be a little confusing and did not understand why one of the characters would drive around in circles over and over again.  Either he was extremely patient or extremely stupid.  I couldn't decide.  Next we have the best of the lot with Bill Cassinelli from the first film reprising his role in "Dennis Frye Vs. The Zombies".  In this tale, Dennis is in love with his dream girl Sarah (Felissa Rose from Sleepaway Camp) and hangs with her in a convenience store.  They get visited by a few characters including Dennis' mom who brings in his laundry and says that she couldn't get the stains out of his poo-poo undies as well as a gang of thugs called the zombies who harass Dennis.  It isn't until a mysterious dude comes in with some magical chocolate bars that things get rolling with the zombies turning into zombies and Dennis becoming a low-rent Army Of Darkness-era Ash impersonator.  My favorite part of this story was a cheesy love montage set to elevator music and I found Cassinelli to be the best part of the film other than Wynkoop.  The third story entitled "7:23" starred Jesse Furman as a thief who ends up at a strange hotel run by a creepy Joe Estevez.  These two actors helped to make this the most intriguing of the stories and the one that did end of being somewhat scary with loud sound effects and an ambitious story that could have come from one of the many anthology television shows from over the years.  Overall, I found the film to be pretty good although I felt a little unsatisfied with some of the writing in that a couple of the stories seemed to be anticlimactic.  You can't win them all and you can see that Hoffman is definitely improving as a director.  My only other comment is that maybe he could lay off the editing effects in post-production as they detracted from rather than enhanced the story.  Look for Robert Z'Dar (Maniac Cop) as a cop in the last part of the wraparound.

Piranha (1978)

The glory days of Roger Corman's New World Pictures are in full force with this flick with it's amazing cast and crew and sense of b-movie fun.  Joe Dante (Gremlins, The Howling) directs a script by John Sayles (Lone Star) and brings us a quick-paced flick which is mainly a race between the stars and a school of flesh-eating piranha down a river before they reach a new theme park that is opening.  Our heroes are played by Bradford Dillman (Guyana: Crime Of The Century) and Heather Menzies (Sssssss) who join forces after releasing the badass 'razorteeth' from a government research facility managed by Kevin McCarthy (Invasion Of The Body Snatchers).  Along the way down the river, they also encounter Keenan Wynn (whose flesh stripped legs really affected me when I was a kid), Corman staple Dick Miller as the ignorant resort manager, and Barbara Steele (lookin' hot as a government scientist).  Bradford's screen daughter also happens to be attempting camp on the soon-to-be-bloody shore and her counselors include Paul Bartel (Eating Raoul), Belinda Balaski (the pregnant chick from The Food Of The Gods who also is in almost all of Dante's films), and Melody Thomas (longtime soap star of The Young And The Restless) looking hot.  On top of this incredible cast, we have the first screen credit for make-up legend Rob Bottin, some stop motion work from Phil Tippett, and a score by Pino Donaggio.  There is also a surprising amount of gore, some nudity courtesy of Janie Squire, a weirdly inappropriate comment implying a little girl should fake her period to get out of going swimming, and lots of bubbling bloody water.  This is seriously a 70's drive-in fan's wet dream so do yourself a favour and pick up the special edition DVD before they are forever out of print.  Look for writer John Sayles as the military policeman who is distracted by Superman and some naked boobies.

They Call Me Bruce? (1982)

I'll always have a soft spot for this comedy about a Chinese guy named Joon who is called Bruce by the mob bosses that he works for because of his resemblance to Bruce Lee.  Of course, Joon is not a martial arts master but after he thwarts a robbery by knocking out a thug (and himself) with some nunchucks, the mob recruits him to deliver some cocaine to various destinations across America.  This leads to a serious of comic misadventures as Bruce gets involved in a cowboy bar fight, a chase on the streets of New York, and a botched hit in Vegas.  He is oblivious to all of the danger as he believes the cocaine to be his special Chinese pasta flour rather than the drug that it is.  In hot pursuit are a mob moll named Karmen (Margeaux Hemingway) who wants to see Bruce fail, and a gorgeous federal agent named Anita (Pam Huntington) who has a crush on Bruce but also wants to put the mobsters behind bars.  I have always loved this movie from when I was a kid to when I recently found it on DVD.  Even though a lot of the jokes are silly, I still find it to be an extremely enjoyable comedy and star Johnny Yune is perfect as the lovable klutz known as Bruce.  There are some great scenes in this flick including a couple of dream sequences where Bruce really does kick ass, a crazy hitman in a massage parlor who has a weird weapon fetish, some flashbacks to Joon's grandfather (also played by Yune) explaining the important things in life, and a gospel church sequence featuring Bruce with a yellow afro.   There are also references to a number of television commercials of the time as well as a number of films including Rocky, The Godfather, and Saturday Night Fever.  We also have loads of unpolitically correct comedy featuring huge exaggerations of both Italian and Chinese cultures that would never be acceptable today but were funny at the time.  I have never understood why this is so taboo in today's films but every standup comic you see is making the same kinds of jokes and nobody gets mad about that.   Look for John Fujioka as the karate instructor and Chuck Mitchell (Porky's) as a bartender.  Yune made a sequel and not much else.  I don't get how Pam Huntington did not become a bigger star.  She was beautiful and a pretty good actress and the only gigs she seemed to get were commercials.  Anyways, this is one of my all time favorite comedies.

My Little Eye (2002) 

If they let the bad apples really go off in reality shows, you may get something like My Little Eye.  This is the story of a group of five twentysomethings who agree to take part in an internet webcast where they are on display via webcams over a six month period in an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere.  If they make in through the six months, they each receive a million dollars but if anyone leaves before the end of the six months, they all lose.  The film begins near the end of their stay and things begin to go wrong.  The group have their heat turned off and the regular supply drops stop.  After a few nights, paranoia begins to set in as strange things begin to happen in the house including some creepy writing on a window and a bloody tool being left on someone's bed.  The characters begin to doubt both reality and each other not knowing if the occurrences are being set up by each other or the company in charge of the webcast.  This film was shot entirely on digital video which lent a mood of voyeuristic creepiness as you watched the characters unravel.  There seems to be an infinite number of webcams capturing the action so this style does not end up becoming repetitive but at the same time, I found the number of different angles sometimes took me out of feeling like I was watching a reality show.  In the end it didn't really matter as it was still an entertaining ride and some angles such as the pen cam and shower cam were ultra cool and unlike anything I have ever seen.  I was not quite as enthralled with the movie as I had hoped but it was nice to see someone trying something a little different rather than the standard formulaic plot we see so often in the so-called 'thriller' genre.  Stars include Kris Lemche (Ginger Snaps) and Laura Regan (They).

The Punisher (2004)

In this age of computer generated sets and action, I spend a lot of time being nostalgic about the action movies that I grew up with.  I have also bored my friends with rantings and ravings about how there are no more tough guys in cinema any more in an age where Orlando Bloom and Tom Cruise are considered action stars.  I miss the days of Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, and James Caan.  Although The Punisher is not going to change your life, it is a step in the right direction of reminding us how tough guys are supposed to act and how stunts are supposed to look.  There is minimal CGI, a lot of fights gunplay, the lead character is indeed a tough guy, there is no romance, and overall this was a wicked flick.  Thomas Jane (Deep Blue Sea) stars as Frank Castle, a cop turned vigilante after a tragedy befalls him and he is left for dead by the cronies of  villain Howard Saint (John Travolta).  Frank rents himself and apartment and plans for vengeance when not being attacked by a variety of assassins including a gun slinging Johnny Cash-wannabe named Harry Heck and a monstrous Russian played by former WWF star Kevin Nash.   It is clear with characters like this that the film was based on a comic but as a whole it plays like a cool old-school action movie.  I used to love movies based on comics and action but both genres have frankly kind of sucked lately.  I am happy to say that this is a return to form and I wish that more directors 'got it' like Jonathan Hensleigh does.  You just can't make stunts look real with a computer and it is evident after seeing so much shite in recent years that we need to have more movies return to this way of making films.  If you bring some of the realism back, you will bring the excitement back and wonder 'how they did that' rather than simply writing everything off to the wonders of computers.  I wish there were more guys like Jonathan Hensleigh that could run all the Michael Bay's and Stephen Sommers' out of Hollywood.  I also wish there were more characters like Frank Castle and more actors like Thomas Jane who can play these guys with a little more of an edge.

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