Ladies And Gentlemen,
The Fabulous Stains (1981)
This is a seldom-seen punk rock rarity that is well worth checking out.
Diane Lane stars as Corinne Burns, a rebellious teenager who has started a band
with her sister Tracy (Marin Kanter) and their cousin Jessica (Laura Dern).
Their band is called the Fabulous Stains and they want more than the life that
awaits them in their humdrum town. When a British punk band called the
Looters fronted by Billy (Ray Winstone) comes through town, Corinne finds a way
to get the Stains a spot on the tour as an opening act for the Looters and a hasbeen
glam band called The Metal Corpses. After a series of incidents at the
first few shows, the Stains become a phenomenon thanks to Corinne's antics and
the press coverage of a reporter named Alicia Meeker (Cynthia Sikes).
Jealously and egos abound as the Stains take over the headlining spot and 
develop a following of devoted fans called skunks who blindly emulate Corinne's
hairstyle, clothing, and attitude. This is a classic look at how the media
can influence the masses and was quite prophetic account of what was to come
with the Madonna's, Spice Girls, and Britney Spears of the world that have since
taken over popular culture. Some also believe that the Stains were an
influence on the riot grrl movement of the early 90's and one can easily see
where these parallels come from. The script had all the right elements,
the music was great, and Lane stole the show as one of the most entertaining
lead singers ever to appear in a rock movie. I can't say much for the band
and their minimalist songs but when they do a cover of the Looters' "The
Professionals", all is forgiven. Musically, the times when the
Looters were onstage were awesome as not only does Winstone look and act like a
great old-school punk singer, but his band consists of Paul Cook and Steve Jones
from The Sex Pistols and Paul Simonon from The Clash. Also look for
Christine Lahti as Dern's mom, Fee Waybill from The Tubes as the singer of The
Metal Corpses, Elizabeth Daily (Pee Wee's Big Adventure) as a hotel maid,
Brent Spiner (Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation) as the boss who
fires Corinne at the beginning of the film, and b-movie star Debbie Rochon as a
skunk. This was directed by Lou Adler (Up In Smoke) and written by
Nancy Dowd (Slap Shot). Paramount shelved this movie upon
completion and it has never seen a proper theatrical or video release and it
found it's audience by popping up on late night cable once in a blue moon.
If there were ever a cult classic that deserves a proper release, this is
it.
Escape To Witch
Mountain (1975)
Many of the live action Disney movies of the 70's and 80's have developed
cult followings and this is one of the ones with the biggest. Kim Richards
and Ike Eisenmann star as Tia and Tony, a brother and sister with telekenetic
powers. They do not have a family and the movie opens with them at an orphanage
where they have trouble fitting in due the the fact that they are a little
strange. One day they are on a field trip and they end up impressing
Donald Pleasance with their abilities who goes on to tell his boss, Ray Milland,
about the kids with the gift of seeing into the future. In addition to
Tia's ability to predict events and communicate through thought, Tony is able to
move objects by playing his magic harmonica which is featured in a really cool
sequence involving marionettes. The two are brought to Ray's pad where
they are given whatever they want but they soon realize that their freedom has
been taken away. They realize they must escape and follow a map on Tia's
star case to a destination where the mysteries will be revealed. I had
remembered this movie as a lot scarier than what it is perhaps due to the fact
that I am not a child anymore but I still found it to be an enjoyable kids
adventure. It was a trip to see Kim Richards as a child as she was one of
my first teenage crushes thanks to her role in the 80's flick Tuff Turf.
My teenage infatuation made me feel like kind of a perv seeing her as a kid in Witch
Mountain. Look for Denver Pyle (Uncle Jesse from The Dukes Of
Hazzard) as the children's uncle who returned for the sequel along with
Richards and Eisenmann. Director John Hough also directed the sequel as
well as Dirty Mary Crazy Larry, The Legend Of Hell House, and Twins Of Evil.
Alien Abduction (2005)
In the world of low budget filmmaking, you can usually tell a lot by the
title. In this case, I was expecting a silly boring action movie set in a
lame looking spaceship with a bunch of crappy CG effects. This was not the
case in this flick as we are treated to a tense story of a girl and her friends
who are abducted by aliens and her search for the truth in the bowels of a
research facility/psychiatric hospital. The lead girl is killer going to
lengths that Bruce Campbell would be proud of including falling in medical
waste, drilling into people heads with a killer hand blender, all while trying
to save her friends who all look like they have had one too many
lobotomies. Newcomer Megan Lee Etheridge stars as Jean who is taken when
on a camping trip with her jock boyfriend, a squeaky voiced princess, and an
apathetic semi-stoner. They find themselves in an organic looking room and
are promptly gutted by some monsters. Shortly after, Jean awakens and
finds herself intact in what looks like a military hospital complete with a
kindly doctor, some stock soldiers, and a tough army chick who acts like a
warden in a women in prison movie. Jean proceeds to embark on a search for
the truth and quickly switches to ass-kicking mode when she dons a tanktop and
shorts a la Milla Jovovich in Resident Evil. This girl was awesome
and I look forward to seeing more from her and she puts more into this role than
anyone I have seen for a long time in a low budget flick. I wish there were more actresses (and
actors for that matter) these days who are as willing to take a movie like this
seriously and give it their all. I would also like to comment on the
cinematography courtesy of Matthew Boyd who takes a low budget direct to video
action flick to another level with his attention to compositions, lighting, and
camera moves. This one comes highly recommended for fans of the genre and
should be looked as a what can be done on a low budget with a good script and
the proper cast and crew. The film also does not disappoint on the
R-rating with some decent gore, some well-placed nudity, and a gross-out scene
where a bucketload of semen is literally squeezed from an alien's balls.
How can you pass that up?
The Lost Skeleton of
Cadavra (2001)
Rarely when a filmmaker sets out to capture the feel of a genre from
yesteryear are they able to pull it off in today's world. Even thought
Tarantino has come close to duplicating the exploitation films of the 70's,
there is still something missing and you still know that the film was made in
the 21st century. Somehow, writer/director Larry Blamire was able to
capture a 50's b-movie in 2001 and is able to keep it funny while also removing
the tediousness that can ruin the joy of watching certain 'bad' movies.
Usually they are fun for an hour but then it gets old while this film keeps the
fun going throughout. Blamire also stars in the film as Dr. Paul
Armstrong, a scientist who enroute to a cabin with his wife (Fay Masterson) so
that he can 'do science' in peace. 
In
the same neck of the woods, there is a more sinister doctor named Roger Fleming
who is looking for the fabled Lost Skeleton of Cadavra so that he can rule the
world. While our two docs are doing there thing, a spaceship crash lands
in to same woods and it's occupants, Kro-Bar and Lattis, must find a substance
called atmosphereum so that they can blast off before the escaped mutant they
were transporting kills all the local earthlings. Paul is also looking for
the atomosphereum for his science and Roger needs the substance to resurrect the
skeleton. All of these characters look and act like they are straight out
of an old movie you would see on cable in the middle of the night and things
really get cookin' when a sexy beast known as Animala joins the cast and tries
to seduce Paul with a sexy dance. This film is hilarious due mainly to
the fact that Blamire has assembled a cast and crew who obviously understand
what he is trying to achieve. As the film was independent and without
much, if any, outside interference, Blamire delivers a near-perfect
replication/homage of a genre he obviously loves. Filmed in "Skeletorama"
(a gimmick from the William Castle playbook) and featuring "The Dance of
the Aliens", this is a film not to be missed to anyone who even slightly
knows the genre and wants a good laugh.
Lady Snowblood (1973)
The fact that I have not seen this movie before is a crime. First of
all, I would like to thank Quentin Tarantino for making it big and for sticking
to his love of cool cinema. Had he not borrowed so heavily from this film
for Kill Bill Volume 1, I may never have seen this flick and had my 70's
Japanese cinema knowledge be limited to the Lone Wolf and Cub
series. If you thought that those flicks had some great samurai fighting,
you won't know what you have been missing until you see Lady Snowblood
which is way more entertaining in my opinion. Yuki's mother's husband and
child are brutally murdered by four people upon arriving in a new town, she is raped by
the assassins, and sent to prison for murder. While in prison, she bangs
every male she can in an attempt to get pregnant with a child that can seek
vengeance for the crimes committed against her. On a snowy night, Yuki is
born and is sent away to be raised by Otora and Priest Dokai who trains her in
the samurai ways through her childhood. Around the age of twenty, she
begins her quest for vengeance and hunts down the people who ruined her mother's
life. Meiko Kaji (of the Female Convict Scorpion series) stars as
Yuki and the blood and limbs begin to fly whenever she pulls out the sword that
is hidden in her parasol. The arterial sprays in Shogun Assassin
are no match for the gore in this film which sprays gleefully across the screen
(and our heroine). Tarantino borrowed heavily from this movie in certain
shots (such as the assassins looking down at their work), the use of chapters as
title cards, the use of manga images, and in the sound and look of the
spraying gore. There are also a number of other references that you will
have fun spotting and he even used the song "The Flower of Hell" in
his film after the fight between The Bride and O-Ren Ishii. Fans of
Japanese cinema, action, gore, and Kill Bill should love this movie as it
is one of the best of the genre. I'm looking forward to seeing the sequel,
Love Song of Vengeance.
The Mini-Skirt Mob
(1968)
When the theme song for this biker flick entered my ears, the tone for the
film was set. The Mini-Skirt Mob is a delinquent flick trying to be
a biker flick with a psycho-chick in the middle of it all. Fred Olen Ray
regular Ross Hagen stars as Jeff Logan, a rodeo star/biker (?) who has decided
to settle down and marry a girl who is not a part of his biker 'family'.
This pisses off his ex Shayne who coerces the smart-ass Lon to join her in
tormenting Jeff and his new bride. After the accidental death of one of
their own during a mountain road chase, Shayne and Lon decide to get their
revenge on Jeff and his bride. This flick was like a light version of The
Hills Have Eyes meets Satan's Sadists with the bad guys surrounding
the camper of our hero and holding the newlyweds at gunpoint while terrorizing
them. Along for the ride are Patty McCormack (The Bad Seed) and
Harry Dean Stanton (Repo Man). Diane McBain was great as the villain
Shayne as she was oozing with bad girl looks and attitude and Jeremy Slate (Born
Losers) brought a little bit of depth to the character of Lon who may be
going farther than he wants to in Shayne's ultimate plan. Overall, this
formula has been seen a few times and has been done both better and worse.
It is not really a biker movie or a gang movie either. Still, it is cheesy
fun if you are a fan of exploitation cinema (even though there are no
boobs). There is a catfight though...
Jolly Roger: Massacre
At Cutter's Cove (2005)
From a storytelling standpoint, this is one of the worst movies that I have
ever seen. From an entertainment standpoint, I cannot totally knock the
film as it is saved by some blood, boobs, and the best pirate joke I have ever
heard. Tom Nagel and Kristina Korn star as Alex and Jessie, a couple on
the run after their friends are murdered and the cops are looking at them as the
prime suspects. Unbeknownst to the coppers, the real killer is actually a
revenge-seeking zombie pirate named Jolly Roger who is collecting the heads of
the descendents of the crew who betrayed him. As our heroes are trying to
outwit the police and solve the mystery, Roger is lopping off heads with his
mighty sword in the town bar, office, strip club, school, and other cheap
locations all while spewing out one liners a la Chucky or Leprachaun. While this may all sound great to a b-movie fan, the plot holes
are abnormally huge and the pitiful editing does not help the situation by
seemingly jumping into the middle of a number of scenes. I don't want to
totally fault the editor as he may have not had a lot of good footage to work
with but surely he could have come up with something better than this.
Bill Shaffer also edited Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers and it wasn't a noticeable
disaster like this. This is not to mention cinematography that jumps from
night to day and back again, shots dropped in that make no sense to what is
happening on screen, and some of the most lame ass production design ever to
grace the direct to video library. As with the editing, this could have
been avoided by changing the script. Like seriously, if you cannot get a
proper computer lab in a high school, don't try to make a theatre sound stage
look like a school room. Or at least if you are going to do that, change
the script to explain why things look so awkward. On top of all this, the
acting was also horrendous. Either the entire town was drinking ritalin
shakes after smokin copious amounts of dope or nobody in this film knew how to
act scared. Special mention goes to the mayor who acts like a crazy old
lady who reminded me of a calm Anne Ramsey meets Kathy Bates. There is
also a bizarre strip club scene where Jolly Roger gets a lap dance, another
weird scene where a secretary tunes out her paper crumpling boss with her
walkman and rocks out at the typewriter, a lock is picked with a bra strap (??),
a security camera manages to shoot from eight angles, and there is a plethora of
guitar wank music that plagues many low budget films. I hate to be so hard
on this film but director Gary Jones (Mosquito, Spiders) has made it
abundantly easy. There is no way I could give this movie a good review and
feel ok with it. The only saving grace is the gore, a brief appearance by
Megan Lee Ethridge, the shades of good acting from Tom Downey and Kim
Little, and the awesome pirate joke.
Haute Tension (2003)
The first three quarters of this movie are some of the most intense minutes
to hit horror cinema in a long time. They reminded me a lot of 1998's If
I Die Before I Wake but were a lot more brutal thanks to a fair deal of gore
from Italian effects legend Giannetto De Rossi. Cecile De France and
Maiwenn Le Besco (the opera singer from The Fifth Element) star as Marie
and Alexia, students who are off to Alexia's parents' isolated farmhouse where
they will get some peace and quiet so that they can study. Shortly after
they go to bed on the first night, the house is invaded by a sadistic psycho who
likes to see blood spill. After causing some major carnage, the sicko 
binds up Alexia and takes off in his van. Alexia's only hope is Marie who
will do anything to make sure that her friend is taken care of. The time
spent in the house and the van is absolutely terrifying and accented by the
sheer brutality of the overall-clad nutcase. Up to a certain point in this
film everything works from the music to the camerawork to the acting to the
effects. You will be on the edge of your seat as you ponder the fate of
the girls. All good things must come to an end, however, and the movie
takes a nasty turn for the worse resulting in a disappointing conclusion.
I don't get why filmmakers are so afraid to make a thriller from beginning to
end and feel the need to stray from a great film and make it into merely a good
film. I have seen this same problem in many films recently with House
of 1000 Corpses and Saw in particular coming to mind. Had
director Alexandre Aja not strayed from the intensity he had created, he could
have had one of the best violent thrillers in cinema history. It is one
thing to be let down by an entire film but to have the last ten minutes kill a
film so badly is tough to forgive. Next up for Aja is a remake of The
Hills Have Eyes which may be even harder to forgive.
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