I Drink Your Blood
(1970)
A gang of satanic hippies high on LSD invade a very small town
and start to wreak havoc. Soon they begin to hassle the locals and beat a
teenage girl who witnesses one of their rituals. When a
young boy's grandfather goes to 
investigate them and stumbles across another
ritual in
progress he is fed LSD and beaten. The boy sees this and decides to get
his revenge by drawing blood from a dead rabid dog and infusing the blood into
some meat pies which he then proceeds to sell to the hippies. Soon we have
a group of crazed, rabid hippies who are high on LSD and on a homicidal
rampage. It gets even more entertaining when a group of horny construction
workers take turns having sex with one of the hippies and end up getting rabies
themselves. Director David Durston maximizes the camp in this one and
provides us with an insanely fun cult classic with some of the most energetic
portrayals of wide-eyed crazies ever committed to film. There is mucho
gore including many a limb hacking as well as a decent amount of nudity and
enough cheesy dialogue to give this the reputation it has attained over the
years. Single named Bhaskar is great as the leader of the hippie cult,
George Patterson is a close second to Jack Nicholson as scariest looking psycho
with an ax, and Lynn Lowry ("The Crazies") is a mute who gets curious
about an electric carving knife.
Slashers
(2001)
How can you go wrong with a cartoony and gory horror movie that
looks like one of those crazy Japanese game shows? Well, it would be
pretty hard and director Maurice Devereaux comes up with a movie that is even
better than I could have imagined. I was sold right away from the super
catchy theme song and the cheerleader-like Slaherettes dancing around. The
film plays out like you are actually watching an episode of this television show
where contestants are paid millions of dollars if they can survive a certain
amount of time trapped in an area with a trio of serial killers. What
makes this movie work so well is that all of the characters from the contestants
to the killers to the host of the show are totally memorable immediately and all
have very unique personalities. On top of this, the movie has so much
energy and a driving score that doesn't let up that you are propelled through the
running time like a slingshot. The film also makes the one Steadicam
camera operator a character using the Hitchcock/Becker one-shot gimmick that
also keeps things moving and makes things more interesting. There is
some gore, a bit of nudity, and some well-placed comedy that kept a smile on my
face through most of the movie. Sure there are the obvious influences from
"The Running Man" and similarities to "Series 7: The
Contenders" and "Battle Royale" but who cares? The concept
of death becoming a reality show is inevitable with the recent influx of these
kinds of shows and it is a great scenerio to place a movie in. Devereaux
put his own unique spin on the idea and has created something that is energetic
and entertaining. Chainsaw Charlie reminded me of George W. Bush and
contestant Megan Lowry was like a hot Renee Zellweger with Juliette Lewis'
voice. Keep in mind that this is a fun low budget B-movie to kick back and
enjoy and you should have an awesome time! Make sure you get the uncut
print from Fangoria Films as there is a heavily edited Canadian version floating
around.
The Hole (2001)
Creepy British thriller about four kids from a private school
trapped in an abandoned bomb shelter after they are locked in. Thora Birch
stars as a lovesick teenager who wants to get together with the cool guy on
campus Mike (Desmond Harrington from "Wrong Turn"). With the
help of her friend Martin, she arranges for herself, Mike, her friend Frankie (Keira
Knightly from "Pirates Of The Caribbean"), and Mike's friend Geoff (Laurence Fox) to spend three days in total
seclusion where they can party and hopefully get it on while their class is on a
field trip. Things are all fine and dandy until they realize that they are
locked in the hole and as the days pass, cabin fever takes it's toll and their
sanity begins to break down. I really enjoyed this one and it scored
points on all counts with acting, writing, and directing all being top
notch. An impending sense of doom carries through much of the movie and
things keep getting creepier as the story unravels. While I would have
preferred a slightly different direction I can't really complain because the
movie still satisfied completely. I'll leave it at that as I don't want to
give anything away. Look for Embeth Davidtz ("Army Of Darkness")
as the shrink.
Terminal Rush (1995)
While one would think that Hoover Dam would be a great location
for an action movie, I have yet to see it work. The end sequence of
"Vampirella" was shot there as was nearly all of "Terminal
Rush". Perhaps it is because it is just a bunch of pipes and catwalks
that looks like the inside of a ship and thus becomes a fairly genetic action
setting. At least in "Vampirella" someone got thrown off the
damn dam. If you're not going to do that why even shoot there??? Don 'The Dragon' Wilson stars as Jacob Harper, a former special
ops guy who is now a ranger in Nevada. He is known to the locals and has a
pregnant wife who "doesn't want to raise a child in the desert".
That is about the extent of Jacob's life until some terrorists take over the
Hoover Dam where Jacob's dad happens to be a security guard. Naturally,
Jacob used to play in some secret tunnels as a child and manages to sneak into
the dam and try and save the hostages before the terrorists blow it up.
This was a lame, blatant "Die Hard" ripoff lacking any sort of suspense which
therefore makes the action (and the film as a whole) a big bore. The only
thing that I can say this movie had going for it was Roddy Piper as the main
henchman but even this struck me as terribly sad when I realized that Piper had
been reduced to this. He is a much better and cooler actor to be playing a
nail polish wearing henchman in a movie like this. My lessons learned from
this one are to not write a movie around a location and to not cast a cool actor
in a boring role. Now, if Piper were playing Jacob, it may have been a
different story...
Zombie Island
Massacre (1984)
People dressed up as trees are not zombies! I hate
misleading titles! When I am given I title with zombie and massacre in it,
I am expecting zombies and blood. This movie fails to deliver on both
fronts and thus results in being more annoying than anything. I understand
that marketing a movie is a tough job but come on, you don't want to piss off
everyone that buys it (even if it is only 3.99). Anyways, we have an
unknown cast who look like they really want to be in an Irwin Allen movie but
are instead being attacked by rotten egg smelling, tree wearing guys who are
using the local voodoo beliefs to scare locals and run a drug operation in
peace. From what I got out of the dialogue, one of the cast members is a
DEA agent I think and another one is carrying a large sum of money to buy some
coke. These two are intermixed with a tour group who are given the
opportunity to witness a voodoo ritual. Soon they are being killed off by
fake zombies in a standard slasher manner. While we open with a shower
scene, the nudity stops there and as far as gore, there is a quick and lame
decapitation and a few other minor trickles of blood. There is also some ominous
drumming, and old man who says 'poppycock', an upside down goat sacrifice, and
some bad 80's reggae music. For some reason, the theme to "The Love
Boat" was running through my head for the first half hour. Don't
bother with this one unless you are having a bad movie night with more beer and
pot than normal. The music is by Harry Manfredini who also scored
"Friday The 13th" and created the famous Jason theme.
Lemora: A Child's
Tale Of The Supernatural (1973)
If I knew what I was in for before I started watching this, I would
have avoided it like a slug at a salt farm but all I knew about this movie was
that Rainbeaux Smith was in it and it had something to do with vampires. I
was lucky enough to catch a theatrical screening of this but the film was right out
of one of my most hated genres: the trippy 70's flick with that awful screeching
soundtrack and minimal plot. While some may see this as 'art', I usually
fail to 'get it' on movies like this and end up being incredibly bored and fidgety.
In fact, this movie marks the first time ever that I removed my shoes in a movie
theatre and placed my bare socked feet on the hard concrete floor to somehow
stay awake and see the outcome. Maybe I am being a little too hard on
it. What I got out of the plot was 
something about a girl named Lila who
is called on by a vampire named Lemora to travel across a weird forest to say
goodbye to her dying dad. Along the way, she meets a weird bus driver, a
weird ticket seller, a weird sleazeball, and a weird old lady. Eventually,
she meets the weird Lemora and they have a weird relationship until Lila escapes
and runs around trying to get away from a bunch of vampire and zombie creatures
who reminded me a lot of the creatures in "The Omega Man" and that
main ghost in "Carnival Of Souls". These creatures were quite
well done and were genuinely creepy. Although the movie did play out a bit
like an acid laced Grimm fairy tale, it was too loose for me as I enjoy a good
story with a linear point. Cheryl 'Rainbeaux' Smith was enjoyable to watch
and her scenes with Lemora were my favorite part of the movie. Most people
will think the acting is horrible and will hate this movie but it has become
somewhat of a cult movie so it may be worth checking out if this review sounds
appealing to you. That high-pitched squealing soundtrack makes me want to
rip both my clothes and skin off. Keep in mind that if I had watched this
from the perspective of it being a child's nightmare from the start, I would
have enjoyed it a lot more. What is really starting to annoy me is
that it will probably be one of my favorite movies once Synapse puts out a
cleaned up DVD of it later this year and I watch it again, and again, and
again...
Blood Feast 2: All U
Can Eat (2002)
As any good movie nerd knows, the sequel is rarely better than the
original. This, my friends, is an exception to the rule as "Blood
Feast 2" slaughters it's predecessor. While the first one has the
distinct honor of being the first 'gore' movie, the sequel gives all you would
expect and more and is a hell of a lot more entertaining than the original.
J.P. Delahoussaye stars as Fuad Ramses, a psycho who is named after his
grandfather and who arrives in town to take over grandpa's catering business and
hobby of slaughtering young women to make a sacrificial feast made of body
parts. I found Delahoussaye was perfect as the nice guy on the surface but
secretly a homicidal maniac and pulled off the cheesy acting with a style that
was equally as memorable as Mal Arnold's performance in the original. We
also have a pair of cops named Loomis and Myers (ha ha) who play it up as well
but in a good way. Mark McLachlan's performance as the overconfident yet
dumb Myers had me smiling throughout and could be the best intentionally bad
performance I have ever seen. This guy deserves an award for 'getting it'
and will hopefully use this movie to build a career for himself. Another
actor of note to look for is cult director John Waters in a hilarious cameo as a
reverend. Something new in this movie that was sadly missing from the
original is gratuitous nudity! While we could have the most unashamed
excuse ever for cute girls getting naked, I am certainly not complaining as all these
girls were quite a delight to look at. What about the gore you ask??
Well, it is as over the top as you'd expect and was quite well done. I
have seen a lot of effects in my day and I was surprised at some of these.
There is everything you'd expect from the sequel to "Blood Feast" and
more. This was a hundred times better than I was expecting and I am
grateful to good old Herschell Gordon Lewis and David Friedman to show that they
still have it in the computer ruled 21st century. They also show us that
movies like this can still be made, still be fun, and are more entertaining than
most of the crap that is shoveled to us by mainstream studios. Long live
gore, long live practical effects, and long live exploitation movies!
Popeye (1980)
I really wish I was in high school again with my friends and a
water bong. This would have been absolutely amazing in that kind of scenario.
As I am far from high school and water bongs, I didn't really know what to make
of this. Robin Williams plays Popeye and strangely reminded me of Mickey
Rourke's portrayal of Charles Bukowski in "Barfly". Maybe it was
all the muttering to himself. Anyways, Popeye arrives in the seaside town
of Sweet Haven and soon meets up with the love of his life Olive Oyl (Shelley
Duvall in a role she was born to play). They hang out and find a baby
Swee'pea while Popeye wishes he could find his Pappy. Hijinks ensue when
arch enemy Bluto (Paul Smith from "Pieces" and Sam Raimi's "Crimewave")
steals Swee'pea and Popeye must go to the rescue. Along for the ride are
Wimpy (Paul Dooley) as well as Donald Moffat from "The Thing" as the
annoying taxman. What results is a really trippy musical that is lacking
direction but is completely fascinating. The songs are memorable as I knew
the words from when I was a kid as soon as the song began. Songs of note
include the suggestive "He's Large" by Duvall, the
sounds-like-it's-dubbed-by-a-black-guy-but-it's-not "I'm Mean" by Paul
Smith, and "He Needs Me" by Duvall which was also featured in P.T.
Anderson's "Punch-Drunk Love". The sets are fantastic and the
movie is a one of a kind but you may want to take this for a spin before adding
it to your collection. Look for "NYPD Blue"'s Dennis Franz as
town tough guy named Spike. This was directed by Robert Altman (?!?!) and
produced by legendary producer Robert Evans.
Guyana: Crime Of The
Century (1980)
True crime docudramas are usually quite good and when they are
made as exploitation movies then all the better. I mean what better fodder
for trash cinema than real life, right? Sure it's all in bad taste but
that's usually what makes an exploitation movie good. For those of you not
in the know, Jim Jones was a cult leader who led his followers from the U.S. to
Guyana where they built their own civilization away from society. They
were also completely brainwashed by their leader and ended up drinking poison
Kool-Aid and dying in a mass suicide that shocked the world. All of these
events take place in Rene Cardona Jr.'s take on the Jonestown massacre except it
is Johnsontown in the movie and Jones is now called Jim Johnson. I wonder
if the other names were changed so cleverly? Stuart Whitman plays the
Elvis-shades wearing cult leader and looks quite similar to Jones. I
thought he did a pretty good job but some of the sermons went on a little too
long and I was much happier in the non-preaching parts of the films. For
instance, I was quite pleased when the children stole from the kitchen and were
then tortured via snakes, drowning, and electrocution. I was also beaming
when the young couple were caught fornicating and their punishment was that the
woman had to have sex with the biggest black motherfucker they could find and
then her boyfriend was told that he would have to have sex with another
man. Logical, no... entertaining, hell ya! All in all, this is
definitely one to watch in a group setting and have a little chuckle as some of
the acting , dialogue, and action is well over the top. I had the
opportunity to see this in a relatively busy theatre and I said to my friend as
we were walking back to the car that I probably would have been annoyed had I
watched this on my own but seeing it with people who were in the same mindset as
myself made for a decent experience. The Kool-Aid refreshments being
served in the lobby certainly added something. My suggestion would be to
find a copy of this movie, get a bunch of friends together, and watch it with a
big jug of Cherry Kool-Aid and vodka. Look for Jennifer Ashley ("Inseminoid"),
Yvonne De Carlo ("The Munsters"), and Bradford Dillman as the chemist
who serves up the cocktail of doom.
Goth (2003)
Man, I really hate it when I have to give an indie film a bad
review but the script killed this one. From a directing and acting
standpoint, the film was competently done but from a story and dialogue
standpoint, I was appalled throughout most of the film. We have a couple
of goth kids names Crissy and Boone who go out to see a band play at a local
club. While waiting for the bathroom, Crissy meets a girl named Goth (I
started to get worried here) who offers her a sample of a drug that simulates a
near-death experience. Crissy finds Boone and they agree to meet Goth in
the alley for a sample of the drug. Soon they are all in a van (also
called Goth - yikes!) and they do the drug which to me looked more like it made
you feel sick rather than blow your mind or simulate a near-death
experience. When our couple awaken, Goth is there to explain the rules of
being Goth in the typical rule #1, rule #2, overdone manner. To illustrate
the silliness of it all, the rules are: embrace the darkness, kill your fears,
live for death. I'm telling 
you this scene made me want to run down to the
7-11 and buy some Cheezies. Next, Goth brings a guy in the van and has
fully clothed boring sex with him and throws him out. Yawn. The rest
of the film consists of the trio committing murder, Goth having a Krug moment, and
Goth continually daring Crissy and Boone to
prove that they are goth and berating them by saying things like "How can
you call yourselves goth?". Now, knowing the filmmakers are targeting
this towards goth kids and also knowing quite a bit about goth culture myself, I
know that this is a total mistake as it is a total misrepresentation of the
culture. In fact, it almost played out like more of a sixties scare film
for parents to show their kids. I can see it now: "Honey, what should
we do about Raven. I hate how she dyes her hair black and smokes herbal
cigarettes". "Well, dear, we should show her that 'Goth' movie
so she can see what will happen if she continues down that horrible
path." Maybe it will become somewhat of a comedy classic among goth
kids like how "Wayne's World" became to 80's rockers. I can picture a group
of black-clad kids locked in a basement at noon on a summer's day laughing
hysterically at how ridiculous this movie is. A final complaint is
something I would like to call bad nudity. If you can't get the actors you
want to get naked, don't get anyone at all. The guy in the hotel room with
the hooker was one of the Nazi zombies in "Shock Waves".
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